I am not an asshole. I am just trying too hard to be one.

My alter ego is telling me that I am trying really hard to be an asshole. It is a confusing feeling because it identifies that I am not really an asshole, but then, it tells me that I gotta stop being one.

I thought about how am I being an asshole for about 20 minutes. I never, consciously, try to make someone's life miserable or say things to piss someone off. That's my definition of an asshole and I am clearly not one. I am given the vibe that I am a nice & frank guy. I'll go with that.

But then, I figured that whenever I am truly (with all my heart) trying to help someone from doing or saying something stupid OR make someone realize about their stupidity, the conversation wakes the asshole in me and I truly act like an asshole (unconsciously). Now, there is a fundamental block in my self-image if I think that whatever seems stupid to me must be stupid for everyone. Anyway, this mindset need not be corrected, nor do I want it changed. I kind of feel that one lives a rich life if one feels that his thinking echos what others think, it makes one confident and responsible for whatever one does. So, let that mindset be and let's focus on what can be corrected.

Here is what I think are the main areas to work on:

• I see self-interest in not letting people do or talk something stupid. This is wrong because we all do stupid things and I conveniently ignore my stupidity (because I can). I gotta shut the fuck up and not give a sermon whenever something stupid is said or done. I cannot prevent the stupid things from happening.
• I see self-interest in acting efficiently. We at work and home don't control everything around us. Sometimes, people have to take a decision that they think is best but it hurts my so-called efficient way of living. I have got to sense that my mental masturbation over efficiency is not worth it.
• I see self-interest in wanting people to chill all the time. Am I chill all the time! nope! Then why do I expect the same from others around me. People have bad days and they have to suit themselves as they wish. I have to concentrate on how not to be bothered by other cold and cruel people/remarks around me.

All in all, I have to acknowledge the psychological ego and stop being an asshole. I gotta have a metal scale in the mind that is configured to shut me up whenever my assholeness crosses my set limit. 

Let the healing begin! Peace Mofo! :-B